Not the Man I Used To Be Lately
by nicalyse
Summary: Jesse had imagined finding her again in the city, falling in love again without opposing show choirs or her mother or Finn Hudson getting in between them. Instead, she's wearing Finn Hudson's ring. One-shot.


Jesse's life isn't the way he always imagined it would be. He's supposed to be in LA or New York. Hell, he'd settle for Vancouver or Atlanta. He could play a brooding vampire just as well as any of those guys on _The Vampire Diaries_ or make friends with one of the Housewives. Either way, it'd be good television.

Instead, he's still in Ohio, still living in his parents' house in the same bedroom he's had since he was an infant, still living and breathing Vocal Adrenaline and pretending to the rest of the world that he isn't the failure that he knows he is.

After leading the group to four national championships, he's certainly qualified to coach the show choir, and getting the job was no problem after Carmel fired the guy who'd failed to fill Shelby Corcoran's shoes. Jesse has no idea what happened to Sunshine Corazon, only that she isn't at Carmel any longer, so he's rebuilt the group from the ground up, keeping one very important thing in mind the whole time.

If they aren't good enough to beat Rachel Berry, Jesse will fail again.

He'd rather not think about her at all after what happened in New York when she chose Finn Hudson over him, but that isn't possible. And it isn't just because she - and the rest of New Directions, though Jesse knows that none of them really rise up to her level - is their biggest competition, but because there's a part of him that still loves her.

He calls it research, the way that he keeps up with what she's doing. He goes to see _West Side Story_ twice because the first time, he gets entirely too caught up in watching Rachel perform, the way that her voice washes over him, the way that she really becomes Maria. She's naturally talented, yes, but Jesse can see the work that has gone into this performance. He knows that this is just the beginning of what she's capable of, of what she's going to do and _be_ when she gets out of Lima.

(The second time, he forces himself to watch more objectively, taking notes on glee club members, the names of whom he pulled from McKinley's website. Blaine is a good Tony with a strong voice, though Rachel outshines him easily. Santana has improved markedly, but she's still relying too much on sex appeal to be really effective in show choir competitions. Puckerman's accent is ridiculous, but amusingly so, and at least Kurt is playing a man. Mike Chang is the real surprise, and Jesse actually finds himself hoping that Schuester doesn't waste the kid's talent.)

He isn't as stealthy as he should be when he attends Sectionals. Since they're being held at McKinley, he really should have known better than to even try not to be recognized; too many people here know who he is. He chooses a seat on the opposite side of the auditorium from the competing teams, hoping to avoid Schuester and Shelby (and Sue Sylvester, because he wouldn't be at all surprised if that nutcase popped up out of nowhere and had something to say about him being there), but he really isn't surprised when a familiar body slides into the seat next to his.

"What are you doing here, Jesse?" she asks.

"What are you doing here?" he shoots back. "Coaching a third-rate show choir? Torturing the biological parents of the daughter you adopted? Trying to be close to the daughter you gave up?" It's cruel, he knows, but he gets a bit of satisfaction from seeing the way that she tenses. Yes, Shelby was an excellent coach and she made him Vocal Adrenaline's star, but that doesn't mean that she was a good person. He doesn't feel like he owes her anything.

"She's happy," Shelby says softly. He has to strain to hear her among the other voices in the room. "I'm not here to mess that up. And you shouldn't either."

He scoffs. "I'm not here for Rachel. I'm here to do research. There's a good chance that New Directions will be in contention for Nationals, and I don't want to be caught off guard."

She smiles knowingly. "So you've sent someone to scout The Belles at their Sectional?" she asks, referring to an all-girls group from Kentucky that has been competitive throughout the years.

"Of course." No.

Her eyebrow arches like she knows that he's lying, but Jesse says nothing. "Rachel isn't performing today. She was suspended for fixing a student government election."

Jesse keeps his expression neutral even as his heart sinks. "So your group might actually have a chance to win."

"You don't think we could win if they had Rachel?"

"No."

Shelby stands up, smoothing her hands over the fronts of her thighs. "Enjoy the show, Jesse. And don't worry," she adds, leaning down to say the last part a bit quieter, "I won't tell Rachel you were here."

He just smirks. "Good luck, Shelby."

(Disappointed as he is that Rachel isn't performing, it's actually easier to watch the performances objectively, as a coach, without her there. Mike Chang is still surprising him, and Tina is better than he remembers. Quinn's little introduction is a bit disturbing, if not impressive. He can't underestimate the points that New Directions gets for including a kid in a wheelchair - and Artie is impressive vocally and in what he manages to do with the chair.

He feels a bit sorry for Shelby when he sees The Troubletones. Mercedes and Santana both have strong voices, but Mercedes is lazy and Santana is cocky, and none of the rest of the girls are even close to strong enough to notice for anything other than wearing hideous dresses.)

Jesse pushes the kids in Vocal Adrenaline hard. The choir is smaller than it was before last year's epic failure (sixth place at Nationals is absolutely not good enough), but that just means that he's able to focus more attention on each kid, on making sure that they all know their roles and live up to their fullest potential. In a smaller group, there can be no weak links; everyone must carry her weight or they might as well just give up now.

There's no room for error. He can't afford anyone questioning his motives or his intentions. There are still people on the team who were there when Jesse was the star, who remember the time he spent at McKinley. He knows that some of them don't believe that he was just there as a mole of sorts, who think that he really was in love with Rachel Berry.

It would be easier to ignore that if they were wrong.

Jesse tries not to check her Facebook or Twitter pages. The near-constant references to Finn Hudson are worse than annoying, and it simply isn't worth Jesse's time or energy to think about their relationship, the one that Rachel chose over being with him. It always makes him wonder what his life would be like if he'd been honest with Rachel from the beginning - or at least from the time when he started to realize that he actually liked her instead of simply seeing her as a mark - and that's just a good way to torture himself.

But occasionally he finds himself at home all by himself in his parents' big house, maybe a little drunk, maybe a little bored, and when you're already miserable, you might as well take it all the way, right?

So he's half-drunk when he reads that Finn and Rachel are engaged, the news accompanied by a picture of Rachel's hand adorned with an altogether unimpressive diamond ring.

Finishing the six-pack of Red Stripe he bought with his fake ID isn't enough to turn off his mind, so he chooses a bottle at random from his parents' wine fridge and drinks until he throws up.

It doesn't make it any better.

He thought that Rachel would come to her senses about Finn, or that at the very least, their relationship would fall apart when they both realized that her dream is in New York and Finn isn't meant for anything more than his step-father's garage. Jesse had imagined finding her again in the city, falling in love again without opposing show choirs or her mother or Finn Hudson getting in between them.

Instead, she's wearing Finn Hudson's ring.

Jesse throws himself into preparing Vocal Adrenaline for Regionals, and he knows that the kids want to kill him - especially the ones who were his teammates only two years ago and expected something very different from his tenure - but it's really the only thing he has going in his life right now. He _needs_ this, needs to focus on making them perfect and getting them to Nationals.

He deliberately schedules an all-day rehearsal on the afternoon of New Directions' Regional competition so he can't talk himself into going to watch for 'research.'

(He knows that he'll be able to watch it on YouTube before weekend's end. Once he finds it, he has to watch it nearly a dozen times to be able to focus on the details for long enough to see the weaknesses in the performance instead of just watching Rachel and the way that the stage lights wink off of her engagement ring when she moves her hand just right.

Just wrong.)

After Vocal Adrenaline wins their Regional (handily, despite some unexpected developments within the team), Jesse finds himself thinking about Rachel even more. He knows that if Schuester learned his lesson about heading off to competition without proper preparation - or any preparation - New Directions will be a real threat to win at Nationals. He tells himself that that's why he catches himself thinking about Rachel more often, wondering if she knows that he's coaching at Carmel this year. She must; Rachel is too thorough and competitive not to know.

He wonders if she thinks about him anything at all like the way he thinks about her.

Things with Rachel feel unfinished. Last year, in New York, she'd just looked at him, apologized, and walked away, leaving him standing there in the lobby of their hotel while she followed Finn out to the shuttle that was to take him to the airport. No real explanation. No acknowledgment of the connection that they share. Nothing but a soft, _I'm sorry, Jesse_, and the quiet swish of the sleeves of her coat when she turned around.

Rachel is his match.

It's probably a conflict of interest, or at least of conscience, coaching Vocal Adrenaline when he really wants to see Rachel succeed. She _deserves_ to win, to have that National title for herself, even if the rest of New Directions doesn't. But Jesse focuses all of that into preparing his own team for competition with a grueling rehearsal schedule. When the kids aren't rehearsing or studying (because Jesse doesn't want what happened to him after he graduated to happen to any of these kids, no matter what front he might put on), they're watching video of their competition, a process of tearing down and then building up the team's confidence.

(At home, by himself, Jesse puts too much focus on analyzing video of New Directions. But then, he knows them, knows their strengths and weaknesses in a way that he doesn't know the other teams, so that makes sense, right?

That's what he tells himself.

But Quinn Fabray being in wheelchair does matter. So does having eight graduating seniors, over half of the original group, who will be leaving. An exchange student, a pair of girls who couldn't sing their way out of a bucket, engaged leads whose relationship has always been a quiet driving force behind the group - it all matters.

Jesse knows that if Finn and Rachel fall apart, New Directions could potentially fall apart, and that could mean only good things for him.)

He makes a point of not seeking her out. He knows that she and everyone else will think that it's a trick if he tries to talk to her now, an attempt to throw her off her game before Nationals; she'll doubt his sincerity, and that might break his heart all over again.

He's truly shocked when he walks into his office at Carmel and finds her waiting for him.

He sees the back of her head first, dark, loose curls tumbling down her back as she sits in one of the hard, uncomfortable chairs that face his desk. The idea that she could have gone through his entire office looking for Vocal Adrenaline's Nationals plan never even occurs to him.

He keeps his eyes on her as he circles the desk. She says nothing, watching him with her hands folded in her lap as he pulls out his chair and sits. "Hello, Rachel," he greets when he realizes that she isn't going to say anything.

"There are some things you should know," she says briskly. Jesse lifts a questioning eyebrow. "We're going to beat you at Nationals because we're better than Vocal Adrenaline. We were better last year, too, but we lacked preparation. We won't make that mistake this time. And Finn and I are engaged. We're getting married and going to New York together."

Jesse calls on every bit of acting training he's ever had to maintain an impassive expression. "You're better than anyone in Vocal Adrenaline," he agrees. Easily, because it's true. "That doesn't mean that New Directions is better. And congratulations on your engagement," he adds, softer.

"Thank you."

"When's the wedding?"

Rachel glances down at her hands, clenched tight in her lap. Her ring catches a bit of light from his tiny window. "It was supposed to be the day of Regionals, but then Quinn's accident..." She trails off, blinking rapidly before meeting his eyes again. "We're planning a June wedding."

Something catches in his chest, lodges itself behind his sternum and sticks there. "Why are you here, Rachel?" She takes a sharp little breath. "Do you want me to tell you not to marry Finn? That you're better than marrying Finn Hudson, that you're too young to be married at all?" Her eyes are wide, and Jesse feels sick. "You don't need to hear that from me."

The _you already know_ hangs unspoken in the air between them.

"I want you to be happy," he says. It isn't the only thing that he wants for her. He wants her to have everything that _she_ wants: the success, the recognition, the fame. But he also wants her to see that she's better than marrying her high school boyfriend five minutes after graduation.

He doesn't say any of that.

Rachel just watches him for a moment, her eyes unreadable. She stands and smooths her hands over the front of her skirt. "Good luck at Nationals, Jesse." She turns and leaves before he can say anything else.

(It's probably for the best. The _don't go_ was right on the tip of his tongue.)

Rehearsals are frustrating. Their performances aren't perfect, not yet, but too many of the kids don't seem to understand how important it is to be flawless when they hit the stage in Chicago. Even after last year's failure, they don't understand that being Vocal Adrenaline and having Jesse St. James as their coach doesn't mean shit if they aren't backing it up on stage. Much as he hates to admit it, being associated with Jesse St. James doesn't mean much of anything outside of Carmel these days.

Sitting alone in his hotel room the night before the competition, Jesse is keenly aware of his own professional failures. It doesn't matter if Vocal Adrenaline wins or loses tomorrow; this isn't what he's supposed to be doing. He's better than coaching a high school show choir, but he fucked up in about a dozen different ways, starting with everything that happened with Rachel, so that's what he's doing. It's a constant refrain in his life, a recurring self-judgment. Even he's tired of the internal monologue of _you're a failure, Jesse_.

He rolls his eyes when someone knocks on his door a little after midnight. His team knows they're on lockdown until morning, and Jesse isn't the sort of coach who's prepared to deal with middle-of-the-night breakdowns. Really, they should know that, too.

Apparently they do since instead of one of his students, Finn Hudson is standing at Jesse's door.

"I need to know if you're still in love with Rachel," he says without preamble.

Jesse's jaw goes slack. "Excuse me?"

Finn huffs out a breath. "You're the only other guy she's ever loved, and like, what happens if you decide that you still want her after we're married?"

"Are you serious?"

Finn glares, an entirely unthreatening expression even if he is bigger than Jesse. "Just answer the question."

"What about you?" Jesse asks, ignoring Finn's command. "Does Rachel need to be worried about Quinn coming back for you in a few years?"

His face shifts to indignation. "No!"

"Then why does it matter whether I'm still in love with Rachel?"

"I just want to be sure," Finn mumbles, which isn't really an answer at all. "I don't want things to get messed up between us again."

The whole situation makes Jesse feel a bit nauseous. He doesn't want to talk to Finn about anything, least of all Rachel. And he can't promise that he'll never come between them again; he isn't going to screw things up for Rachel, not again, but that doesn't mean that he won't screw things up for Finn. Those are two very different questions, and Finn didn't specify.

"Go to bed, Finn," he says after a long moment. "And good luck tomorrow." He gently closes the door before Finn has a chance to say anything else.

(Jesse spends the rest of the night trying not to think at all. Not about how Vocal Adrenaline is going to lose. Not about how Finn shouldn't be marrying Rachel if he still has doubts like these. Not about how heartsick he is, thinking about Rachel being married to someone else at all.

He doesn't sleep at all.)

New Directions wins.

Jesse isn't surprised, and because it means that Rachel won, he isn't upset either. He makes a point of crossing the stage to offer his congratulations and shake Will Schuester's hand; appearances matter, and he wants to be thought of as classy, the kind of guy who celebrates others' successes instead of begrudging them, whatever is going on in his head.

Rachel is smiling, caught up in a tangled three-way hug with Sam and Tina when she catches Jesse's eye. Her expression changes, softens somehow, and for just a moment, he doesn't see anyone but her despite the crush of bodies on the stage. Not for the first time, he wonders what would have happened if he'd stayed at McKinley through the end of his senior year, if he and Rachel would have been able to go to Nationals and show everyone that they were the best. If he and Rachel would have managed to stay together all this time.

And then Finn is pulling her into his arms, spinning her around and breaking the spell.

Jesse keeps a careful smile on his face when he crosses the stage to stand back with his group.

(He knows that his students are surprised that he isn't mad about their third-place finish, but he's really only a little miffed at being beaten by the choir from Springfield, Wherever. He knew going in that his team wasn't good enough to win this year.

The bus ride back to Ohio is blissfully quiet while the team waits for a burst of temper that never comes.)

With no more competitions to prepare for, Jesse has far too much free time on his hands. He remembers this feeling from his time as a performer in Vocal Adrenaline, the vacuum that forms just after Nationals. Suddenly this thing that was sucking up all of his time and energy, the music and the choreography that dominated his life, is gone. Back then, he filled the void with friends and partying and sleeping around. Now, he gets drunk and watches the wedding countdown clock tick away the hours on Rachel Berry's Facebook page.

He knows how pathetic he is. In just two years, this is what Jesse St. James has sunk to: A high school show choir coach pining over a girl he wasn't supposed to fall in love with in the first place.

He's as bad as Will Schuester.

The second that occurs to him, Jesse starts making plans.

(He refuses to miss out on his dreams like his coaches did. Maybe the name Jesse St. James doesn't mean anything at the moment, but he doesn't intend for it to stay that way for long.

It's time to get the fuck out of Ohio.)

The next time he sees Rachel is on a New York City street.

"Jesse?"

He turns when he hears his name and is almost startled to see Rachel there, bundled up in a bright blue pea coat and snowy white scarf with gloves to match. Her hair is in a ponytail, the wind at her back catching the ends and blowing them around her face.

"I thought I recognized the back of your head," she says, smiling brightly. He remembers the last time he saw her, the way she'd smiled sort of sadly before walking out of his office. "I knew you left Carmel, but I didn't realize you were in the city."

A woman in a leopard-print coat walks between them. Jesse takes a step closer to her to keep it from happening again. "I moved in August."

Rachel's smile slips just a tiny bit. "So did I."

"And how's Finn?" he forces himself to ask, keeping his tone light. The last time he talked to Rachel, they talked about Finn. It's only right for Jesse to bring him up now.

"I wouldn't know." She glances out across the street beside them, her smile gone entirely. "He left Lima three days before we were supposed to get married. He wrote a letter and that was it."

Jesse looks down at her hands, instinctively looking to see if she's still wearing a ring, but she's wearing gloves. White, to match her scarf. "I'm sorry."

"No you aren't," she argues softly. "You said that I was too good for Finn."

She is. He wonders if Finn finally realized that and saved the both of them from a terrible marriage. "I also said that I want you to be happy," he reminds her.

"New York makes me happy." She's smiling again, though it's a little sad. "Can I ask you something?" He nods and resists the urge to reach out and push a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. "Would you rather stay in New York or go back to Los Angeles?"

"I'd stay here."

She nods slowly, as if he's just confirmed something. He doesn't know why she asked, but he likes the way that she looks out at the street this time, her eyes sort of fond.

Six months ago, Rachel sat in his office at Carmel, the office where he was sitting when he first learned who Rachel Berry was, and told him that she was getting married. Jesse was a different person then than he is now. He's finally where he was supposed to be years ago, working toward something concrete with his career. He's gotten his confidence back (though he isn't as cocky as he once was), and he's happier. When Rachel sat in his office that day, he was absolutely certain that he was still in love with her, even if she was marrying Finn.

Today, that's still true.

"Do you have to be somewhere?" he asks suddenly.

She blinks once, startled, then smiles like she knows that he's up to something. "No."

He takes her hand in his and starts walking. "I know a great coffee place. Let me buy you a cup."

She laughs, letting him lead her down the sidewalk. "I'd love to."

(Rachel is different, too. Different than she was six months ago, different than she was when they met and sang together the first time. Different than she was when he first realized that he was in love with her.

He wonders, walking down the street in New York City with her fingers laced with his, if maybe this is the opportunity they've both been waiting for.)


End file.
